so pissed right now.

For anyone, who would like to know, I'm a little less than happy at the moment.

I just spent two days writing a blog. And the past two consecutive HOURS finishing it. And it has somehow gotten deleted in the PUBLISH POST PROCESS.

I've hit back so many times, my internet page sent me out of blogger.

It is now mindnight and I'M FREAKING TIRED.

But if you care to take in the reason as to why I haven't been blogging, WELL, I WAS working on it.

And now, I have to start all the way over. I KIND OF want to cry, but instead, I'm going to bed.

More later.

don't THINK. it's MY day.

trying to de-clutter my mind.

I have so many things to think about, I cant decide which thought should go first.

I mean HOW am I supposed to decide anyways!??? doesn't THAT involve THINKING?

The "thought to decide" has gotten V.I.P. tickets to my brain before all the other ones. now it's just taking up space until I figure out what I should think of next.

This is hard. I don't wanna think about the trash can next to me, holding old chinese food and filling my nostrils with such sour and bitter smelling joy.

I dont wanna think about the presents outside that Buddy has left me, waiting to be gathered together forming a huge mass of SHIT and someday making this world a better place by soiling a new tree to be grown.

I dont wanna think about the thousand pounds of laundry laying in my hallway creating a new carpet, 1 foot in heighth.

I dont wanna think about the 23 Avent bottles standing on my kitchen counter, begging me to wash THEM TOO, instead of just rewashing the same one over and over and OVER.

I don't wanna think about how badly my eyes are drooping, and quivering with exhaustion...just-a-hangin under my lids...waiting to close for the night, and rest.

I don't wanna look at the pile of tootsie roll wrappers laying together, taunting me for scarfing them down my throat in less than a minute

I don't wanna think about gas prices, car payments, credit bills, diapers, hospital appointments, diets or grocery lists.

No trash bags, no sinks, no floors, no toilets, no showers, or beds. No extra nothings cluttering my house. I need a break, and I don't mean a kit kat bar.

What?

What is THIS? a day for MOTHERS???

WELL HOT DAMN!!!! WHEN DID THIS GO DOWN??? :)

rAndoM tHOUghts cOMe AT 11pm

Brian is learning now that he is spoiled......not rotten YET. but spoiled....or SPOILING...I guess. My little egg is slowly turning color. He's my "stink"..that's what I call him. BECAUSE he stinks. haha



The other day I told my mom that he was starting to smell like REAL POOP. haha. And she said, that's because you feed him REAL FOOD. duh.



He tries so hard to crawl....he can do everything but move forward. And then he starts to fuss....because he wants to go somewhere.



A DAY IN THE LIFE OF ANY MOM.



No matter their age, your kids will ALWAYS fuss when they wanna go somewhere. Ain't it the truth...? I know I do.


Zachary taught Brian what a "goal" is. Just by laying in front of him, Zachary was Brian's inspiration to start moving. Probably because he knew he wanted to be next to his brother.

Brian sits up and talks all the time....he's my perfect little angel. But I just realized TODAY: when he starts to get in a mood, and I walk toward him...HE PUTS HIS ARMS UP NOW.


oh



jeeeeez.



HE KNOWS.



He knows I'ma-commin to git 'em. haha



Hes starting to understand bashfulness too...or whatever its called when you get all smiley and shy....when really you just wanna laugh and jump.



That child I swear! He's definitely MY kid.



I LOVE HIM. with MUCHO GRANDE AMOR.


Pregnancy + 1 illegitament kid = 2 illegitament kids!! **BAM!!!! instant family.**


I already have to keep him away from the remote control....AND I wanted to teach him to appreciate all kinds of food...but the more I think about it, I get the feeling I might be doing something bad. What if he loves all the food so much....that he just starts to eat EVERYTHING and watch TV??



WHAT IN GOD'S NAME WILL I DO IF I END UP WITH A CHUNKY FAT KID THAT ONLY GRABS FOR THE REMOTE??? (or a hamburger)



shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiz. I'm in trouble....this is where discipline comes in.....you know...motherhood, teaching..and all that mess..I don't have to do that with..THE OTHER ONE. He eats chicken nuggets, and NOT under my authority...just my hang out buddy-my friend-my son's brother.



...mmm....well, I'm not so good a discipline...DO YOU KNOW ME? I EAT COOKIES AND BROWNIES EVERYDAY!!! that's like an alcoholic telling their kid not to drink!!!



Maybe I could learn to hold off on the junk-binge....and lie to Brian about health foods....and then chain eat outside....you know....like smokers do.


WHAT DO YOU THINK??? Good idea ya? I THOUGHT SO TOO.



but here's my real theory.



1) when you're happy, your body releases endorphins...."NATURAL" happy medicine that makes you healthy.



2) and I'M happy when I'm eating a honey-bun. therefore, MY body is releasing its happy medicine.



3) conclusion: honey-buns make you happy.



4) thus, honey-buns are good for you.




JUST A QUICK NOTE FOR ANYONE DOUBTING THEIR DIET....OR questioning mine.




lalalalalalalala :)

ART...or whatever it's called.

Are photographer's really artists??? (arTEESTS??) hmm...what a beautiful question.

What does it take to be an artist?


Let me tell you. I went outside yesterday after it snowed..and IN MY FLIP FLOPS I happily trotted my feet around the parking lot in the shape of a heart. And I went around it a second time to make my mark MORE PROMINENT.

I did this for my momma.

THEN, I strategically placed my feet FAAAAR APART to reach the sides of the heart so I could bend over and write "LOVE YOU!" in the middle, without leaving weird marks and messing up my masterpiece.

Thus, my piece of wonderous, thoughtful and sparatic artwork was finished, and waiting to bring satisfaction to the eyes that were to gaze upon thee.

EHEM!!! SO SHE TAKES A PICTURE OF IT AND DOES SOME GRAPHIC STUFF AND ALL THE SUDDEN.....SHE'S THE ARTIST HERE??
hmm....does anyone get my point? momma!!! you cant even tell it's my snow art!! you turned it into liquid and gave it a name!!

the fame goes to the eye of the beholder...I guess I got screwed out of that one.

I was making a giant snow card, and she turned it into a river of madness.

SO. I spent about an hour and a half on her myspace, TRYING to spice it up..but my computer is kind of slow...ANYWAYS....CHECK.IT.OUT.YO

After Work

You know those times, when you're driving down the road...and everything is just a blur?

the music is playing, and for some reason it's this weird song that comes on, ONLY when you're driving at nighttime, that pertains to your whole life...?

everything around you just passes, and all the lights on the streets and cars are foggy, because you're not really focusing.

but then you remember, that you have a baby in the back seat, and you cant just SPACE OUT when you're driving!!


my only FREE time is when I'm driving. Driving home from work, and Brian's in the back seat, asleep. That's my peace and quiet. The time I have to think about everything. I'm doing 50 on the highway, because I don't have anywhere to be but home, and I don't want to go to sleep.

When I get on Muldoon, I coast at an easy 35...just enough to watch the flow of cars move away from me. I stop at every yellow light--because I want the extra five minutes to myself--in my car, to listen to music...the music that's suddenly putting a melody to my life.

So, I listen. And it's funny. Whoever is at that radio station is watching me, I know it.

When I get to my house, sometimes, I don't even want to get out. I just want to fall asleep in my car. But then I remember...it's not just me.


There's a baby in a carseat, sleeping. My little angel faced boy, waiting to snuggle with a blanky in his own bedroom. So, I take him up there. And I think about how long it will be before I look at him again. I think about everything I'm going to do the next day--and when he's gonna wake up...

I don't know what it would be like without my baby boy. And when MY mom looks at him, she wonders what she'd do without him too. And I wonder: does she think about what she'll do without HER baby?

It used to be all about me--when I was a baby. And now, my life is flipped up, and around, twisted, and thrown all over the place. He calls the shots. I USED TO call the shots, when my momma had to take care of me. I imagine she had just as much fun with me as I do with Brian.

I don't know the pain it would cause on me if I were to be separated from my child. But I know it would be A LOT. And I know I wouldn't want it to happen. So I think about my mom, and what pain is welling deep inside her. She covers it up with jokes and sarcasm. But really, it's killing her.

my life..is not my life anymore. It's Brian's. And I endure pain everyday...because loving someone THAT MUCH, hurts. My mom changed my diapers and fed me cereal. She probably rolled around on the floor with me. She watched me while I was sleeping, and waited until I woke up...just to see me again.

Getting a break is overrated--I'd rather spend every waking and sleeping minute with my child than have to be away from him. And I know, my mom is feeling that too. She's my heartbroken soul. And I love her. I bet she doesn't focus while she's driving at night either.

SOOOO TIRED.

I got home from my momma's house about 30 minutes ago....

and Brian was fast asleep in his carseat. When I started to unbuckle him, he opened his eyes and looked straight at me--a look so incriminating as to say "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID. YOU LET ME FALL ASLEEP IN HERE, AND YOU PLANNED TO SNEAK ME INTO MY CRIB WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE...LIKE IT'S SOME KIND OF MAGIC! EVERY NIGHT I WONDER HOW I FALL ASLEEP AT GAM-GAM'S HOUSE AND WAKE UP IN MY OWN...AS IF I FLY THERE UNIMAGINABLY. WELL YOU'RE NOT GETTING AWAY WITH IT THIS TIME."

That's exactly what he said to me, with his eyes, that tiny little tot read my mind!!

So I pretended he was still asleep....and I put him straight in his crib. He closed his eyes and forgot about EVERYTHING.

And then he woke up and REMEMBERED. crap.

So he sat at the computer for a couple minutes with me....

And now I gotta go because he just threw up on Daddy....HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Sitting at Home

Today is my anniversary. I've been in this wholesome relationship with my Justy-Poo for three years now....and Brian is willfully sleeping in his bed so that I can get ready for my wonderful anniversary dinner at LONESTAR!!!

I started to clean my house today, and I stopped once my computer booted up!! Mom and I have been chatting away forever now....and I'm not really getting ready for dinner yet.

Sooo....Justin being an ADULT got RockBand for our anniversary. I got a rose. I believe MY present is better...because once the thing dies...I get to throw it away and it will forever be removed from the space it has been occupying....

ROCKBAND HOWEVER, is taking up space with yet another guitar, a drum set, AND A MICROPHONE!!!

Isn't life sweet.....??